Finding happiness and joy in life can often feel challenging, but it’s important to remember that there are no strict rules you must follow. For some, achieving peace of mind comes easily, while for others, it may require more effort. We frequently hold ourselves to high standards and become disheartened when things don’t go as planned. At times, we might even resign ourselves to the current state of things, believing that change is futile.
The truth is, change is not automatic; it requires a conscious decision. Often, this involves removing barriers that hinder our growth, including our own self-talk. Many things we tell ourselves are not true, and that nagging voice in our heads can be overly critical.
THINGS YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING YOURSELF
TELLING YOURSELF: “I CAN’T”
When you consistently tell yourself “I can’t,” you reinforce that belief in your mind. It often pops up in the face of new opportunities or creative ideas, stemming from fear and intimidation. What you really mean to say might be “I won’t.”
To gain perspective, reflect on all the challenges you have already overcome. Replace “I can’t” with “I choose not to”—this shift invites accountability. For instance, instead of saying “I can’t work out today,” say “I choose not to work out today.” If that’s too harsh, try reframing it with “How can I…?”
Regardless of what you’re pursuing, be it a minor adjustment or a major change, keep striving and remain confident. Avoid speaking about your aspirations negatively (e.g., “I’ll never be able to…”). This only undermines your self-belief. If obstacles arise, look for alternative routes instead of opting out.
TELLING YOURSELF: “IT’S TOO LATE FOR ME”
“Follow your bliss and don’t be afraid, and doors will open where you didn’t know they were going to be.” ~ Joseph Campbell
If you often feel it’s “too late,” remind yourself that today is the youngest you will ever be. Don’t dwell on the regrets of what you haven’t done. By claiming that it’s “too late,” you let fear hold you back. This is your sole opportunity to pursue what you desire, and it’s never too late to take action.
Some fascinating individuals I have met continue to explore new paths and change careers often. They’re among the most vibrant and happy people I know. Personally, I also struggle with the idea that there’s so much still left undone. It’s vital to live life on your own terms. The timeline we believe we must adhere to is arbitrary. Who says you must accomplish certain milestones by specific ages? Many people have completely transformed their lives in their 50s and beyond, rekindling passions and finding love again. Remember: SAYS WHO?
So, it’s never too late to pursue joy and improve your life.
TELLING YOURSELF: “I AM NOT GOOD ENOUGH”
Letting go of this thought is one of the hardest habits to break, especially if it has been ingrained in you since childhood. I can speak to this personally; it took me years to overcome it. Repeatedly telling yourself a lie can turn it into your reality, which is how you start to limit your potential.
But what does it mean to be “good enough”? These notions often arise from comparisons and excuses. Achievements come from persistence and hard work, not from feeling inadequate. If you lack a supportive network, be your own biggest advocate. Many remarkable individuals have faced significant challenges yet still pursued their dreams. Just because your journey is different doesn’t lessen your worthiness or capabilities.
TELLING YOURSELF: “I’M STUPID”
This phrase is particularly resonant for me, as it was something I constantly repeated. Whenever I made a mistake or felt embarrassed, my mind raced in search of further mistakes to criticize myself. This negative self-talk developed into social anxiety, making it difficult to engage in social events without medication.
Years ago, I read an insightful book suggesting that you should speak to yourself like you would to a much younger version of yourself. Ask yourself: “Would I tell that younger self they’re stupid for making a mistake?” Most likely, you wouldn’t.
So why can’t you extend the same kindness to yourself now? Remember, harsh criticism isn’t the only route to motivate change; it’s possible to hold yourself accountable without tearing yourself down.
HOW DO I STOP?
Your first step is to become aware of your self-talk. If you were to review your inner dialogue, would you find any encouraging words?
Support?
Love?
Once you recognize the negative messages you often tell yourself, acknowledge that they do not serve you. Through mindfulness, you can gain clarity and identify these thoughts as they arise. If saying “I can’t” has become second nature, becoming aware of it is the first step toward breaking the cycle.
