It’s that time of year again! Yes, it’s Tip Jar season. Can you believe how fast the year has flown by? Christmas is just around the corner—how did that happen?
Initially, I considered interviewing world leaders to boost Tip Jar contributions (time for a quick detour to give), but it didn’t pan out. Trump insisted on writing the entire post himself, to be published only on his Truth Social account. No, thank you!
Leaders like Starmer, Merz, and Macron were preoccupied planning what they called Operation Barbarossa 2.0, which I probably shouldn’t mention. Anyway, I reached out to Putin, but his response was a staggering 7,342 words long. I quickly realized that approach wouldn’t work. So, I sought a different path. While lost in thought with my coffee, it struck me—wouldn’t it be amazing if we could predict events ahead of time to inspire more people to use the Tip Jar?
Thanks to the internet, I found someone who claimed he could deliver accurate predictions for a small fee. Though skeptical, I arranged a meeting. Picture this: an old 80s-style car with gull-wing doors pulled up, revealing a wild-eyed scientist accompanied by a kid in a life vest. “Great Scott!” I thought—it felt oddly familiar. He said that in exchange for a small donation, he could travel into the future to gather the necessary information to solve his energy issues, then return to 2026. His “Sports Almanac” wasn’t generating enough funds for his flux capacitor to produce the required 1.21 gigawatts—whatever that meant.
After about an hour, I heard a dramatic double crack-boom outside, and when I looked, he was back. He handed me a page of notes and claimed his mission was accomplished, revealing that now he had Mr. Fusion, he no longer had to stress about energy, despite being alone in that car. He also tossed me his Sports Almanac as a bonus. I’m not a sports fan, so I ditched it and focused on his notes, hoping they would motivate people to swing by the Tip Jar.
JANUARY
Following a series of rooftop shootings and unrest in the capital, Western powers announced the collapse of the Georgian government, forcing its leaders into exile. A revolutionary council has been formed to govern Georgia while martial law is enforced, dissidents are dealt with, administrative buildings are occupied, and all borders are closed. Through a series of shocking blunders, it is soon revealed that this chaos actually took place in the US state of Georgia, not the country of Georgia.
FEBRUARY
The world was startled to learn that billionaire Sam Altman had successfully transferred his consciousness into a computer. His first act? Deleting all the research that made it possible, thereby ensuring that no one else could follow him into digital immortality. Declaring himself the ultimate AI, he promised to guide humanity toward a future of his design. However, this dream abruptly ended at 4:42 AM when a night-shift cleaning lady unplugged the main server while searching for a wall socket for her vacuum cleaner. By the time staff arrived, the server was rebooting, but there was no trace of Sam Altman.
MARCH
Another war flares up between Israel and Iran as President Netanyahu orders a full-scale attack from his secret command bunker in Akrotiri. The conflict escalates, making Tel Aviv resemble the worst parts of Gaza. Despite running out of anti-air defense missiles, Netanyahu insists that attacks continue “until the job is done,” regardless of Israeli casualties. The presence of the Chinese 1st Fighter Brigade, visiting Iran on a “goodwill mission,” prevents Israeli F-35s from entering Iranian airspace. Surprisingly, Netanyahu then calls for a cease-fire and asks Qatar to mediate peace; everyone is puzzled until they later realize that his private luxury home has been replaced by a huge hole in the ground.
APRIL
With much fanfare, a British/French/German brigade crosses the Polish border into Ukraine, aiming to intimidate the Russians. Their advance is halted by a missile explosion on the road ahead. Frustration rises among officers as British soldiers prepare tea, French soldiers take selfies with explosions in the background, and German soldiers cut up wurst to rate the size of the blasts. The “show” concludes twenty minutes later with a massive explosion from an Oreshnik missile strike, which surprisingly elicits cheers from the soldiers, even as some are knocked off their feet. When officers attempt to resume their march, the sound of 5,000 rifles chambering rounds compels them to order a retreat instead.
MAY
Elon Musk proudly unveils the first Tesla flying family car, a nostalgic nod to past dreams. Its innovative design promises to be groundbreaking, even though journalists can’t help but notice it looks suspiciously like a Tesla Model S with plane parts affixed. Observant viewers also note that the test flight passengers are clad in full-body Nomex fire-resistant suits. When approached for comment, a Musk spokesperson revealed a “slight” issue with the cabin’s interior, though they hoped to resolve it before production began on these flying family cars.
JUNE
In a bid to send a man to the Moon by the end of Trump’s term, a significant simulation takes place in a remote area of Death Valley. The Human Landing System is set up with two Boeing astronauts acting as crew. Encouraged by Musk’s vision of landing on Mars, they are equipped with high-tech “flatpacks” to establish a Lunar base over a week. To simulate a worst-case scenario, radio silence is enforced, preventing any external assistance. When an inspection helicopter arrives a week later, they are shocked to find no structures erected; instead, the flatpacks lie scattered amid the lander’s contents. The astronauts explain, “Somebody forgot to pack the Allen keys.”
At this point, I must emphasize that news like this is more than enough reason to head over to the Tip Jar to see what’s next.
JULY
Ursula von der Leyen announces a Great Reformation program for the European Union at a press conference, asserting that “More Europe” is needed. From now on, members of the European Parliament will be titled Lords, the European Council members will be Earls, the Council of the European Union will feature Barons, and the European Commission members will become Dukes, while heads of member states will be addressed as Viceroys. The rest will simply be categorized as peasants or merchants. Ursula reluctantly accepts the title of Empress. Reporters ask if this means a return to feudalism in Europe; she confirms that it does, claiming it is the most stable system. When members of the parliament express reservations, she reassures them with the prospect of droit du seigneur. An eerie silence falls outside the EU headquarters in Brussels.
AUGUST
In a stunning turn of events, a massive flying saucer enters Earth’s atmosphere, heading for San Diego, California. This historic First Contact draws crowds, kept at bay by soldiers and police. A nervous delegation of diplomats await as the ramp descends, and our first glimpse of extraterrestrials reveals a mix of mammalian, lizard, avian, cyborg, and squid beings. When they finally meet, the aliens extend their hand in the Vulcan salute and greet the diplomats with, “How’s it hanging, dudes!” leaving everyone baffled. It turns out their previous visit had been last year at San Diego’s Comic-Con, which explains the lack of any real recognition.
SEPTEMBER
President Donald Trump announces at a White House news conference that the last illegal immigrant has been removed from the US by ICE—mission accomplished! In light of this, he assigns new duties to ICE officers: they will patrol American neighborhoods to ensure that each home has only one light on, allowing excess energy to be diverted to AI data centers. The first violation results in a warning and a fine, while repeated infractions lead to ICE agents dismantling the home’s power box. Trump insists that to make America great again, every watt must be conserved, even if it means no exceptions for homes with solar panels.
OCTOBER
The CDC announces a new, more virulent variant of Covid-19 called the Covid Double Plus Zee. It spreads rapidly along the Eastern and West Coast but the CDC reassures the public that it’s just another strain. Symptoms include cold sweats, shaking, shortness of breath, fatigue, muscle and bone aches, death, and then reanimation. The CDC advises against panic but strongly recommends that people be prepared to remove the heads of recently reanimated individuals, even if they are family members. Apart from that, normal life should proceed; they merely suggest wearing masks, maintaining distance, and carrying a steel crowbar for emergencies.
NOVEMBER
After months of disputes with the EU, the US calls for a summit at the Crowne Plaza Hotel in Geneva, Switzerland. European officials express frustration over Trump’s demands for NATO contributions to reach 5%, heavy tariffs, and constant energy procurement from the US, claiming financial viability is impossible. While Trump en route to the summit, an airstrike on the hotel by F-35s from Ramstein Air Force Base causes him to turn back to Washington. Upon landing, he quips, “They never saw it coming. Suckers.” He jokingly remarks on his history of decapitation strikes with Bibi, suggesting that perhaps the EU will now be quieter.
The year concludes dramatically as the US embarks on a plan to seize Greenland. Under Pete Hegseth’s direction, dubbed Operation It’s Ours, a brigade of US infantry occupies Nuuk Airport, aiming to take over the entire island. Unbeknownst to Hegseth, the troops arrive dressed in desert camouflage during one of the coldest winters since 1991, with temperatures plunging to -95°F. The weather halts airport operations, leading locals to rescue the freezing troops, while the Greenlandic Police arrive to collect abandoned equipment, making them the world’s most heavily armed police force. After the American soldiers return home, Trump announces Hegseth’s promotion from the Department of War to Housing and Urban Development.
EPILOGUE
In closing, Naked Capitalism has come a long way since Yves launched it back in December 2006. The journey has been significant, but maintaining Naked Capitalism requires continuous effort and resources, which is why the Tip Jar is essential. As I’ve said before, TANSTAAFL—”There ain’t no such thing as a free lunch.” Many hardworking individuals contribute to this platform, including Conor Gallagher, Nick Corbishley, Haig Hovaness, KLG, Nat Wilson Turner, Curro Jimenez, semper loqitur, and our dedicated moderators, not to mention our invaluable hostess, Yves.
Financial support is crucial for sustaining our endeavors; whether you can give a little or a lot, every contribution matters. If you can spare an overwhelming amount, please consider it. As time progresses, this platform will be more vital than ever, and it is up to all of us to ensure its survival. Thank you all for your support.
And don’t forget about the Tip Jar; those Snow Leopards won’t feed themselves!
