Menopause can be a confusing and overwhelming experience not only for women but also for those close to them. Partners, siblings, friends, and colleagues often struggle to understand what their loved ones are going through. Although there are many informative resources available for women, there is a noticeable lack of guidance for the men in their lives who want to offer support without causing added stress. This article aims to highlight crucial conversational pitfalls to avoid, as well as provide alternative phrases that can facilitate understanding and connection.
Surveys, like one conducted by The Family Law Menopause Project and Newson Health Research and Education, reveal that a staggering 70% of respondents attribute marriage breakdowns to menopause-related issues. Therefore, it is essential to navigate these intimate conversations carefully. Here are 7 phrases to avoid when speaking with someone experiencing menopause, along with suggestions for more supportive alternatives.
1. “It’s just a phase”
Why you should avoid this phrase: Dismissing menopause as a mere phase is akin to patting someone on the head. It is not a fleeting mood swing or a minor inconvenience; it’s a significant biological transition that can persist for years. Such a comment undermines the emotional and physical burdens she is experiencing.
What to say instead: “How are you feeling?” This invites an open and compassionate conversation, demonstrating your willingness to listen. Menopause affects various aspects of life, including sleep, intimacy, energy, mood, and self-esteem. Recognizing that the journey is not short-lived allows for a more supportive dialogue.
2. “You’re not yourself lately.”
Why you should avoid this phrase: This can come off as accusatory, even if unintended. Many symptoms of menopause stem from hormonal changes rather than emotional fluctuations, and women may already feel uncomfortable about their differences during this time.
What to say instead: “You seem like you’ve been through a lot – would you like to talk?” This approach opens the door for dialogue rather than closing it. It conveys that you are present and interested without passing judgment.
3. “Just let the doctors handle it.”
Why you should avoid this phrase: While medical professionals play an important role, navigating menopause can be profoundly personal and emotional. Relying solely on doctors can inadvertently create a feeling of isolation, leaving her to manage complex choices and emotional turmoil alone.
What to say instead: “I’m here for you – would you like me to accompany you to your appointment or help keep track of things?” This shows your commitment to sharing the burden, whether that means taking notes, organizing follow-ups, or simply being present in the waiting room.
4. “You’re overreacting, just calm down.”
Why you should avoid this phrase: This phrase is both invalidating and inflammatory. What might seem like an overreaction could be her nervous system reacting to hormonal fluctuations. The drop in estrogen during menopause can limit the brain’s ability to manage emotions and stress. Telling someone to “calm down” in such moments only escalates tension.
What to say instead: “It’s okay – I’m here. Take your time.” This statement reflects support rather than confrontation, allowing her to feel safe amidst turmoil.
5. “You’re not the woman I married.”
Why you should avoid this phrase: This comment can be deeply hurtful. It implies that she has diminished in some way during an important period of transformation. Menopause often coincides with shifts in life circumstances that can prompt profound self-reflection. Framing her evolution as a failure undermines her journey.
What to say instead: “I understand this is tough – I want to discover who we are becoming together.” This reframes the conversation to focus on mutual growth and connection rather than fear or loss.
6. “I understand exactly how you feel.”
Why you should avoid this phrase: While your intent may be to empathize, it’s almost impossible to fully grasp another person’s experience, especially during an intensely personal phase like menopause. Saying “I understand” can unintentionally minimize her feelings.
What to say instead: “I can’t imagine what this is like – but I’m here, and I want to understand.” This fosters an environment of respect and openness, demonstrating your willingness to listen without overstepping.
7. “But I’ve had a tough day, too.”
Why you should avoid this phrase: This statement turns a supportive exchange into a competition, diverting the focus from her experiences to your own. When she shares her feelings of overwhelm, she is not asking for a comparison; rather, she seeks understanding and empathy.
What to say instead: “I’m sorry to hear it’s been such a tough day – would you like to share what’s been going on?” This keeps the focus on her experience and ensures that she feels heard before introducing your own feelings.
Writing a book on this subject, *Burning Up, Frozen Out* (co-authored with Joe Warner), has taught me that the goal isn’t about crafting the perfect response. Rather, it’s about being present, showing curiosity, and withholding judgment. You will likely stumble along the way, and that’s perfectly okay. What truly matters is how you respond after missteps. Maintain an open mind, be patient, and ask questions rather than give answers; this can strengthen your relationship during this challenging time, keeping you connected and possibly even off the sofa.
BURNING UP, FROZEN OUT: What Every Man Needs to Know About the Menopause (But No One Told You) By Joe Warner and Rob Kemp – Out 26 March 2026 – Sheldon Press – £16.99
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