Not. Good. Enough.
If I were to choose a theme song for my life, that would be the title. My relentless pursuit of perfection has been a part of me for as long as I can remember, and I often wonder where this desire originated.
It’s more than just a wish for excellence; it’s a deep-seated fear of failure that haunts me. Whether I’m cooking, cleaning, working, blogging, or exercising, I feel an overwhelming need for everything to be… perfect. This isn’t about striving for success—that’s perfectly fine—but rather about my obsession with controlling every possible outcome. I find myself double and triple-checking everything, constantly criticizing myself, and failing to celebrate even the smallest victories.
Perfectionism is closely associated with depression and anxiety, but I don’t need research studies to confirm that; I’ve experienced both. However, at this moment, I find myself in a significantly better place. Despite the challenges I’ve faced this past year, including personal loss and a recent injury, I finally grasp the notion of things “falling into place.”
I see myself as a work in progress. While I still have areas to improve, such as my short temper—which meditation helps alleviate—one aspect I’m gradually releasing is perfectionism.
Letting go and embracing surrender has become my method for overcoming perfectionism.
OVERCOMING PERFECTIONISM: DITCH YOUR DESIRE TO BE PERFECT
DON’T WAIT
… for that perfect moment. If you wait, it may never arrive. Many of us find ourselves perpetually waiting. I know individuals who spend their entire lives doing just that. Frequent phrases I hear include, “I can’t wait for a better job,” “I’ll be happy once I get a bigger house,” or “I’ll begin once I’m ready.”
You could miss an entire lifetime waiting to start truly living.
When I launched my first blog and created Thirteen Thoughts, I aimed for perfection. I wanted beautiful photos, a polished layout, and exceptional content. Initially, I was disheartened to discover my lack of photography skills, and I struggled with WordPress design. I barely posted content, continually telling myself, “I’ll wait until I master this camera” or “I’ll hold off until I have studio lights.” The reality is, I needed to dive in to learn anything. If I hadn’t overcome that mentality, I would have missed discovering my passion—something that brings immense joy to my life. The path to learning is through action, experimentation, and practice.
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FIND YOUR TRIBE…
I am a notorious homebody. I don’t go out much anymore, but on occasion, my best friend persuades me to join her for drinks after work. She understands my controlling nature—every detail of the night must be planned—and sends me the venue name along with its website and Yelp reviews. I’m serious; she knows I need to know things, like whether the place offers food, if it accommodates plant-based diets, where to park, and if there’s a restroom nearby. Though she’s my opposite, she makes me feel at ease, so I can drop my compulsive planning and enjoy the moment. Friends like her are invaluable.
Overcoming perfectionism becomes much harder if you’re surrounded by people who are overly critical, maintain unrealistic expectations, or fail to acknowledge your achievements. The fears of failure and disappointing others are tightly woven into the fabric of perfectionism.
Ultimately, you shouldn’t waste your energy on negativity or trying to please those who impose high standards. Moreover, you shouldn’t be terrified of being yourself, expressing your thoughts, or pursuing what you love due to the fear of judgment. Surround yourself with individuals who encourage growth and make you feel at ease, those who appreciate you for who you are, imperfections and all.
SURRENDER
Perfectionists often grapple with the need to control their emotions constantly. I never recognized how my social anxiety stemmed from this until recently, but it’s becoming clearer. During college, I was selective about my friendships, mainly because I was busy working full-time. My classes revolved around lectures and taking notes; I conversed only with my lab partners. Then, in my final year, I got invited to a conference in Boston to present my thesis with three fellow students. Instead of feeling proud, I panicked. My controlling instinct kicked in; I arranged the hotel bookings (needing my own room for privacy) and planned our meeting at the train station. This need for control made me anxious about everything falling apart.
Once we arrived, my focus was solely on preparing in my hotel room for the conference. Surprisingly, I ended up having dinner with the group instead. We enjoyed delicious food, drinks, and each other’s company, eventually bonding like long-time friends. At the end of the weekend, one of the girls remarked, “Honestly, I never would have guessed you were this cool and fun,” adding, “When I first saw you in class, I thought you were really unfriendly.”
People frequently misinterpret me as aloof or unfriendly until I break the ice with corny jokes.
That experience shifted my perspective (though I still panicked when a last-minute mistake occurred regarding my poster presentation). It was then I realized that relinquishing control could lead to enjoyment and fulfillment. I don’t need to grasp every detail; I can let go. I can relax.
Since then, I have embraced the art of surrender. I’m learning not to fear embarrassment or seek validation from others. The more I put myself in situations beyond my comfort zone—where I cannot control everything—the braver I become. It’s a continuous journey as I confront the negative messages I internalized throughout my life. If you hear “not good enough” frequently, perhaps it’s time for a different narrative?
OVERCOMING PERFECTIONISM: STOP THE ALL-OR-NOTHING ATTITUDE
For many perfectionists, life is black-and-white. You achieve a perfect score, or you’ve failed entirely. This mindset plagued me during school; a 97% was unacceptable—I strove for 100%. It’s similar when starting a workout regimen or changing your diet. If you miss a day or give in to junk food, you think, “Well, I blew it. No point in continuing.” This all-or-nothing mentality hinders acknowledgment of one’s accomplishments, leaving room only for disappointment. Consequently, anxiety festers—you spend more energy fearing failure than focusing on your goals. The worry and doubt can overshadow happiness in your life.
“Perfectionism is not a quest for the best. It is a pursuit of the worst in ourselves, the part that tells us that nothing we do will ever be good enough—that we should try again.” – Julia Cameron
Many of us use perfectionism as an excuse, myself included. Years ago, I affixed a note on my bathroom mirror that reads, “Who are you?” Each day, while brushing my teeth, I ask myself, “Am I going to make excuses today?” I choose not to let fear rule my life anymore—fear of failure, fear of inadequacy. Although my desire for perfection lingers, I strive to redirect my focus onto my goals rather than my fear of mistakes.
Perfectionism serves as a shield against rejection and criticism, both from others and oneself. Despite our attempts to control every aspect of life, we simply can’t. This is why letting go of perfectionism and that yearning for flawlessness is crucial. The unpredictability of life is what makes it exciting—imagine how dull existence would be if we knew everything that lay ahead!
